I think it has been somewhere in the range of six to seven weeks since I've written. The guilt is overflowing at this point. I know life happens but I also know how important it is for me to keep the writing flow going.
While there is some guilt, there is also victory. In late April I finally, after an over twenty year battle, took control of my life
...and the funny thing is I didn't know it.
I heard about a healthy food program a while back and read up on it for months. At last, towards the end of April, I took a step and started the thirty day process. I began it with full force - ready to take down the habits and temptations that had put me in a straight-jacket for most of my life, but especially over the past few years. What I didn't realize was how it would make me feel and realize about myself.
The first couple of weeks were good - grueling at times, but good. During the third week I started to realize what I could have and it opened the door to many evenings of food experiments. I loved it. By the fourth week I was noticing how other things were changes. Sure, I knew I had lost something (I wasn't weighing myself until the end of the program), but there was a change in areas that had nothing to do with food or weight or anything tangible. I started noticing how God was using that time to speak to me and reveal Himself to me.
I've always heard that the journey of weight loss brings more than just shedding physical weight. And I knew that God was going to speak to me because I had asked Him to at the beginning. Sure, not everything was perfect. Perfection would have been too much. I just had to focus on one thing at a time.
This program lit a fire within me to keep going. I didn't want to stop after thirty days. I wanted to find a way to make it last.
The results?
It felt amazing. I noticed my energy was great and I didn't walk around work with the groggy, heavy-in-the-head feeling as I was so used to. I didn't feel swellen anymore. I wasn't tired all the time and everything from the inside out just FELT better. Sure, I lost nineteen pounds (twenty-six to date), but I felt healthier than I have in many years.
But again, while feeling healthier has been great, there is a weight that has been taken off me. I'm shedding the guilt and shame with every pound I lose.
I told my mother recently that I've always known who I am as a person and as a woman of God. The difference is that I'm finally owning it. I'm finally being the confident woman that God has created me to be. In time, I will shred the shame I've carried with all my flaws and sins for good. This is why Christ says to daily take up our cross and follow Him.
As my friend says, "It's not a sprint. It's a marathon."
There it is. Hope.
I have hope again.
- Amy
- Amy
