A Content New Year: Joy

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!"

- Psalm 27:13

I was sitting around the table talking about New Years resolutions with my housemates. I said I hadn't really made any because too many years I've made resolutions only, like so many others, to see them broken months, weeks, days, (minutes) later. One of my roommates said to me - "Whatever happens, just be happy." A guest who was over then chimed in "I was going to say something just like that!" At first I was a bit offended by this, but then it sunk in to me... "My roommates haven't really seen me happy that much." My housemates have seen me deliberate endlessly over choices, they have seen me act kindly, they have seen me sad, but I realized joy is not really something I had really practiced around them. I was then - of course, the irony - so sad at realizing I was not (am not) particularly joyful. I rarely just exhibit joy.

This conversation was about 3 weeks ago now. Since then, I've found myself musing on the Joy of the Lord. Life is hard. Life is hard. People cheat on you, people lie to you, people gossip about you, people laugh at you, people hurt each other - physically, mentally, and emotionally. Life is wearing and there is a force in this earth that seeks to destroy us, it seeks to chip away at everything good and happy and pleasing. It seeks to kill and destroy. But that is not the end; the story doesn't end there. There is joy and hope and laughter and sunshine. And in the balance, I think there is contentment. Contentment is not just a "meh," state though. One does not just say, "well, life is just always going to be awful" and consider oneself content. Contentment - I think - is joy amidst the hardship, joy in all circumstances, despite all circumstances.

James says, "Count it all joy my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..." I know this verse is well known to most everyone in Christian circles, no matter which words are italicized or honed in on; however, I think this is some key to contentment because the truth is, trials vary in shape and size, even in hardship I would posit, however, I believe they always exist in this life. At nearly every moment someone is going through some trial, perhaps its so small as running late to a meeting, perhaps its so big as a death of a family member or friend or a spouse leaving, but in each of our little "worlds" we are constantly in trial. If we can truly take up James's charge, to consider it joy to experience these and thus to experience joy in these things, I like to think that perhaps then we find contentment.

We live in peace because the Lord has joy in us always and he imparts that joy to us to endure this life until we reach him. We live in joy because we are the Lord's and no matter what this life throws at us, we are loved and accepted and wanted by a perfect Father. If I could remember that everyday rather than focusing on minutia, maybe I would understand contentment a bit more.

A Content New Year: One Life

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

- Philippians 4:6

After reading Amy's most recent post, I realized we may have a theme of perfectionism this week. Please bear with :)

In most of my life, I operate under something I would call "Decision Anxiety." For every.single.decision I have to make, I go through a long deliberation of what is "best," what makes me happiest, what decision is most pleasing to God, and so on. I consider every facet of every decision; however, rather than this leading to, well, a decision, I will know every possible thought, feeling and opinion of the decision I'm supposed to make, but it leads no closer to the very thing I'm after.

I believe the root of this anxiety spurs from a desire always to make the perfect decision. After many years of this anxiety, I am coming to realize, there is no perfect decision. There is no perfect decision. For every decision there will be pros and cons. There are consequences - both negative and positive - of every single decision. I cannot control this fact. I cannot control that decisions have consequences; however, I can learn to be content, perhaps even happy with my choices. I can focus on the positive effects of my decisions. I can be grateful for all the things that went right in every decision rather than focusing on what went wrong and why, blaming myself for all negative fallout from every decision I make.

We only get one shot at this life. This thought used to make my palms sweaty. I used to be anxious that I had only one shot at perfection. I thought, "I only have one chance to achieve the perfect life [perfect career, perfect plan, perfect behavior]."

I'm starting to tell myself there is no perfect. There is joy, there is peace, there is gratitude, there is contentment, but there is no perfect nor do any of these flow from such a thing. We have one shot, yes, but not at perfection, at a peaceful, God-glorifying life.

Until Next Week,

Sarah

Perfectionism

&

Extensions of Grace 

I have a hard time trying not to be perfect. I know, you probably want to roll your eyes, click the back button and forget reading any further. I’m not talking like I already think I am and there’s that hope that one day I’ll be “normal.” Bear with me for a moment. 

When I say I have a hard time trying not to be perfect, I don’t mean I go about my day thinking I am perfect and I need to “humble” myself a little more. Over the past few years I’ve notice how I have the tendency to wish for things in my life to have, for lack of a better word, that “perfect,” feeling. Take my cleaning for example:

When I get the itch to clean my room I don’t think of general things like washing my sheets, sweeping and moping the hard-wood floors and dusting the obvious places. That’s a given thing to think about. Instead, I think about the deep cleaning most people do once, maybe twice, a year. The kind of cleaning where you drag out every bit of clothing and go through it piece-by-piece deciding what goes back in the closet, what is donated, and what needs to hit the trash. I’m talking about the kind of cleaning where my OCD takes over and I’m on the floor cleaning out the cracks and edges of the walls with a washcloth, cotton swabs, and a toothbrush. Yes, a toothbrush. You would not believe what an old toothbrush can do to clean a place. 

The perfectionist in me likes cleanliness, structure, and organization. If cleanliness really was “next to godliness” Jesus and I would be so close we’d finish each other’s sentences. Structure and organization are equal to my clean-freak attitude in life. This is where the problem lies: I like things to be perfect. I want a clean life, structured in duty and activities as well as organized and flawless. The problem with it all is that I will never achieve it. The problem is in my mind.

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Colossians 3:17

When I was little I had chores just like every other child. My parents usually assigned dusting and dishes to me while my older brother had vacuuming and taking out the trash. Every now and then I would get my request to vacuum and my brother would be stuck with the nastiness of dusting (secret: I still don’t like dusting). When I had the chance to vacuum I would start in one corner and work my way across the room to the other corner - all my movements out of the way of…you guessed it, the clean lines. I loved those lines: so evenly distributed. It gave the clear sign that the state of the room was, in fact, spotless. 

Then my older brother would come in with a sinister-like face and step all over it just to irritate me. My younger brother usually followed behind him, joining the fun. Maybe that is where my obsession for the spotless look came from - the endless pursuit of clean vacuum lines. 

Here’s the thing: I would work hard to vacuum and make those clean lines look amazing only to have my brothers step in an mess it all up. Just like I would do that as a child, I continued to live that way as I got older - except I turned it into a lifestyle habit. Every time I thought my life looked clean and pure, something would enter and mess it all up. But just because life brings trials and crazy circumstances doesn’t mean my life is suddenly gross and messy. It doesn’t mean that I need to re-haul and re-evaluate everything about my life. 

I started to notice how much this affected me over the last few years. Something in my life wouldn’t work out, didn’t go my way, or dropped in my lap unexpectedly and I would have a pity party about the entire thirty-two years I’ve been alive. “I can’t do anything right…I’m not good enough…nothing is working out.” Sound familiar? I call it the domino effect - one bad thought leading to another which ends up in…self-pity. 

Paul wrote in Colossians that in whatever we do, whether it be through our words or actions, we should do it in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and do it with thanks. 

What I have discovered over the years of my attempting perfectionism in life is two-fold: first, I will never reach the level of perfection. It is reserved for One. Jesus is, and always will be, perfect. That is why He is God - my Savior. Why would I want it any other way?

The second is this: Matthew Henry’s Commentary of 1 Corinthians 11:1 (Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ) talks about Paul’s words for people to not only listen to Paul’s doctrine of God’s words but also to live a life as they should, in accordance to His principles. Paul did this to the best of his ability, using Christ’s perfect example as his guide. Just as he did, so should we. He encourages us to do so.

Though perfection will never be obtained, it is the striving to be like Christ that is most important.

Paul urges me to strive to live like Christ did, and what I do in words and actions, I should give thanks in Jesus’ name. How can I attempt to give room to my selfish desires when living this way? I can’t. This is yet another reason why I need Jesus every single day.

For me, the important thing is to do my best in my walk with Christ, honoring Him through it all. If I do, He will be glorified. If I try to live life on my own I am doing it for my own glory - that is what perfectionism does to a person. 

I’m so thankful for His grace in my life, for I know I have stumbled in this many times. I have a lot to figure out, but I do know that I will never achieve perfection in my heart, my work, my relationships, and yes, even in my state of tangible cleanliness. 

God is constantly working in and through me to let go of the things that I take so seriously and allow Him to fill those gaps. My prayer is that you will find and embrace the extension of grace He provides in your life, and especially in the areas you feel are so hard to release completely. 

Love,

Amy

The Proof of Desire is in the Pursuit

A New Season

I've just come back from my Christmas vacation. The one where I saved all my paid time off from the year and take almost three weeks to travel to Texas and be with my family. I love every minute of being with them and it is hard to come back every single time. Every hug goodbye is followed with a few tears and a promise to see each other again - and not take all year to do so.

I was given a special time this holiday season with my family. It was everything I could have hoped for and more. We had snow (a blizzard, in fact), baking, cooking, eating, playing games, watching movies, eating, shopping, presents, and more eating. Christmas day, of course, was a special time to treasure. Now that I am older I want to focus on the time I get to spend with my family members. 

Still, there are presents. My family loves to give! Those few moments when paper is being torn and left all over the floor are moments of fun and laughter. We love to give gifts in our family - especially those with precious meaning. In my opinion, my brother took home the prize for best gift given. He gave me a necklace that represents my hope for this year: a new season of life.

I received a sliver necklace with a round pendant and each of the four seasons represented inside it: spring, summer, fall, and winter. His gift came with a hand-written note that left me in tears. He was thoughtful with every word. He is someone who knows me very well: inside and out. He knows my character, struggles, gifts and abilities. He is someone who knows how to push and motivate me. He has known from our many discussions that this is a year for positive change in my life, and he wanted to show me his love and support. 

It seemed to be a theme I kept seeing throughout my vacation: a new season of life. I know that as I get a year older and experience life I have to face questions - some difficult and some simple. Still, my prayer and hope is that I not only embrace these questions, but pursue them with Christ as my foundation. With every part of me ready to head into a new season of life I want to be prayed-up with God's Word, filled-up with the Holy Spirit, and fed-up with the devil's tactics. 

This year comes with a promise to myself - a promise to refocus and take steps. I don't have to know the answer right away, but trust that He will speak to me and guide me as I take them. My dad had a saying I grew up hearing: the proof of desire is in the pursuit. I'm not sure if he made it up or if he heard it somewhere, but I did know that it made me think about what I'm passionate about. And whatever it is that I am passionate about - what am I going to do with it? Do I love it enough to pursue it? Do I want it enough to make change? 

Over this year my challenge to myself is to face the tough questions, the issues in life I've feared, and pursue it with all my heart. Why? Because I'm passionate about Jesus, and He wants me to use the gifts and talents He has given me to reach people and encourage them. That is what I am passionate about - pleasing the Father. I can't do this without first dealing with my problems. Of course I can't wait to perfect those things before I start to use them. I would be waiting forever. It is just beginning that is most important right now. And I'm ready. 

Nothing is too hard for Him. No problem is too big or too rough for Him to help you. You have gifts and talents He has given you. His desire is to see us use them for His glory. So I'll leave you with this:

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19

Let's begin,

Amy

A Content New Year: Crippling Assumptions

"For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content"

- Philippians 4:11

This verse is a verse I commonly find myself thinking of and speaking of and, quite frankly, I believe it's because I'm terrible at practicing contentment. Since a young age I've had two more or less assumptions - ideologies, one could say - by which I've lived my life:

1. Perfection is a thing that can be attained, or at the very least should always be striven for ("shoot for the stars, land on the moon" and all that jazz) 
2. The sole purpose of life is to be living out one's calling/ destiny (in my case, I thought this must look like something Mother Theresa would do or at least the latest non-profit trend) and any time spent doing anything less is time "wasted" 

If you cannot surmise from reading the above, it turns out it's more than a little difficult to be content living under the above life assumptions. It turns out contentment is difficult to achieve when one is always striving for something - who knew.

I still don't have this verse down to a practice, but the more I experience in life, the more I find it coming to me. I graduated grad school hoping to work for an international non-profit and instead got a very well-paying desk job. Instead of being happy and praising God for such financial provision and a house and meeting my car payments and being able to travel, I spent morning after morning crying, asking why God had placed me in this desk job, instead of helping people, why he didn't trust me with "real" "Kingdom" work and put me in a proverbial corner in a cubical and a typical 9-5 job. I know... please don't reach through your computer and slap me... I know. What so many people would give to be able to meet rent and a car payment and have a 401(k) to boot. But I was not seeking contentment, I  was complaining and whining because God had not fulfilled what I presumed His purposes were - or should be- for me and had instead put me somewhere where I didn't see and couldn't understand the relation to the Kingdom.

I understand more now how absurd I was. I was like a young child - one incapable of knowing place or direction - telling her parents they were going the wrong way to her surprise party. I didn't know where I was going (still don't) and certainly didn't know how to get there, but I had some overwhelming fear because it didn't look the way I expected it to.

It is now 2016. It is two years and 4 months (almost to the day) since my journey of morning cry sessions began. It's just over a year since I really started to muse over contentment. So this year, I'm not setting any resolutions. I have no weight, height, lifting, running, reading, eating, or baking goals. I have no person I want to be this time next year, nor any place I want to be - physically or metaphysically. This year, I'm going to work on Content. Perhaps 2016 might - if I'm lucky - be the year I understand content.

In line with it, for this month, I will have a mini series - A Content New Year - exploring contentment, why I have chosen it, what has gotten me here, etc.

Thanks for joining. Happy New Year!

Love,
Sarah