Slipping Away

Romans 8:25 "But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."

Lately I have felt the pressure of time and circumstances catch up with my mind, body and spirit. Between the appointments, church activities, taking on more responsibility, maneuvering relationships, building dreams, sorting out life questions and attempting to grow with Christ I am finding myself mentally and physically dropping to the floor and crawling into the fetal position - all the while asking, "What am I doing with my life?!" What is my purpose and how do I fit it all in? 

The constant struggle I feel is real. There are days I want to escape and forget it all. Time seems to slip away and so do a plethora of other things. The more I have on my to-do list the more I dream of dropping life and taking the first flight to the beaches of Cabo. Seriously though...I have looked up the tickets...and the hotel...and my PTO bank. Then I quickly realize I have no body ready for beach activities and my confidence level takes a dive and I'm back to the grindstone. 

This is life.

For now, at least. Have you ever felt hope and hopelessness at the same time? The struggle inside is going ninety-to-nothing and you know that life can (should and will) get better but you truly don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have you ever felt this way, or am I alone? 

Someone asked me the other day if I still had hope. My eyes welled-up and I knew I had to answer honestly. If I was being truthful, my answer was no. Instead of condemning me or going on a "encouragement rant" she simply said it was okay. I felt relief. Like I had permission to feel the way I did. 

I'm slowly finding out that while I feel like everything in my life is slowly slipping away, and I have a great sense of hopelessness, that it is okay to allow those feelings to have their moment. 

But that is all they get - a moment. I know better than to let it sit and stir. I know better than allowing it to take over - it is tricky, yes. But I must not let it take over me and my life. That is where I can sense the hope, albeit it small right now, but it is there.

My birthday is coming up and I am yet another year older. I've decided to take off from work, responsibilities, and life to have a day to rest in His presence, share my thoughts with Him (even though He knows them already), allow my feelings their ride on life's roller coaster...but come out with more hope. Enough hope...for today, at least. I'm going to escape. I'm going to escape everything - it may not be Cabo, but the point is still the same. He wants me and I need Him. What better day to start the process of getting my life back then the day He decided He wanted me to be born. 

There's the hope.

 - Amy

Proverbs 23:18 "Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off."

In the Stars

I looked up at the stars and was taken away by their clarity, every flickering glint, the way each one hung in just its place as though lightly dotted onto the midnight canvas with the finest brush. It was so beautiful, so perfect.

I heard through the silence, "I'm even more proud of you."

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"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well"

- Ps 139:14

May we each have a moment to know "full well" how precious we are, how precisely carved out, how carefully crafted, how beautiful we appear to our creator.

Hope and Despair

"I  believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!"

- Psalm 27:13

I recently watched a dear friend process the news that one of their closest friends had turned to atheism after a youth of following Christ. My friend mourned. I had no words. I tried - of course -  but what do you say to such deeply painful news. I  do not  know the conversations between God and this person, nor what God sees in their heart or even what is in it - how can I know? So in the face of so many doubts, I simply had to say "It's not the end; he's young. I think there's still hope." In the recent months more than ever I've seen God's character holds such forgiveness.

I do not know what renouncing the religion of one's youth  looks like. I know renouncing religion is not the same as renouncing God, but.. "The fool says in his heart there is no God."

I knew this friend of a friend and can't help but question what happened and what could have been done differently. I think this individual was hurt by many Christians in their life and felt no love in the face of their own honesty. Truly, I can't know what happened in their life, but I do know that I can say, if this were the case - this is unacceptable.

"They will know we are Christians by our love."  It makes me furious to think the lack of love in a Christian turned a seeker away from Christ, when we have received such love and it is our greatest calling!...but maybe that's always what it comes down to. So many outliers feel unwelcome in congregations, feeling like they're not good enough, will be looked down on, will be shameful to the other Christians around them. These impressions lead people to hide their true selves and sometimes even turn away.

I know life is messy.. I know, more than I ever have before, that people are messy, but Christians are not to stand above this in perfection, scorning  the broken world. No. We are the broken world. We are the broken fathers, daughters, wives, sons, sisters, brothers, mothers. We are broken. Though, we are beautifully and mercifully loved in spite of it.

We cannot risk losing anyone in our judgements. Our highest charge is love.

We are not called to lives of sinfulness - lust, drunkeness, slander,  gossip, envy, jealousy - but we are all just as close to it as the person next to us and we are never in the "clear" of these characteristics. If you found yourself living in any of these, would you want to be thrown to the streets, disowned and alone?

Why do it to anyone else then?

We're all broken, but we love and serve a God who comes to heal and make whole. I do not know the fate of the person I call by association my dear friend, but I know, I know, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and I hope and pray they do too, that their heart returns to that hope.

In the meantime, Christians, let us love like we have nothing else to give - for really... we don't.

When All Else Fails...

I wish I could say I had a lot to say...but I don't. I honestly don't think I can keep my eyes open long enough to finish this post. It's been one of those weeks. Okay, it's been more like two weeks. 

A while back I had a reaction to something (still trying to figure out what it was) and my skin did not like it. Between my face, neck, hands and arms I felt like I looked and felt like a hot mess. The itchiness alone was enough to make a person go crazy. I went to the doctor after a few days of trying moisturizers (at this point I don't use lotions with fragrance due to an eczema condition - which didn't help my situation). The doctor prescribed a high steroid pill to help me out. Isn't that nice? Doctors prescribing steroids - such a newfangled idea (sorry, is my sarcasm too loud?). 

Sure the symptoms decreased and I started to believe the steroids healed me but soon after I finished the five day dosage I began to not only see the symptoms returning but the side effects  of the pills make their mean and nasty mark on me. So for the last few days I've been experiencing swollen feet, ankles and a couple of other fun things. 

I tease but the reality has been grueling. I've been tempted to go back to the doctor but, among many other reasons (including I'm not liking any of the doctors in this area of the country), I don't want to because I know I'll just get prescribed yet another steroid. And why? 

Why is it when all else fails we turn to Jesus? If I were Him I would be hurt and offended. But I'm not - my finite self can't truly grasp the infinite God that he is. This is why He wants a daily relationship with us. 

If I were to go to my parents and ask anything of them they would work within their power to reach my needs - and neither party would (should) feel guilty. Why? Because we have a strong relationship. I talk to them all the time, know how they react to things, see how they work and love others. I know them. If my relationship with God were as close as my parents I wouldn't wait until things fall apart before turning to Him - He would be the first I look to. 

If I would trust Him first my life would be all the more full...and free of worry.

Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

He makes it so easy for us to learn. I love how The Message puts it:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30

"Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." I love how He makes it simple. I'll share more on this later, but for now I'll go to sleep meditating on this and how He longs to lift the heavy load of pain and suffering.